BFG

[Backdated.]

Before he failed me - a long time before; the first time I met him, in fact - Mentor #1 told me that he saw confidence buried deep within me, although I didn't present particularly confidently in person. He told me that I looked good when doing the job, but in private I looked reserved, and that his job was to help me to be able to stand up and walk tall.

Well... he didn't exactly do that. But it did set me thinking, at some points. Why shouldn't I stand up and walk tall? Why, to that point, should I wait for someone else to do it for me? Why can't I just do it myself?

The answer is pretty obvious; relationships with other people are what work best for me and they're what drive me forwards. I wouldn't call myself a people person - not really. Mostly because I don't mind the term. But I love the company of other people. I like jokes. I like touch. I like kisses. I like hugs. I like games. I like sex. And I like conflict resolution; that's one of my "things".

I don't mind being alone, but I don't like being lonely. But I shine when put in front of other people. Put me on a blank stage and I'll do something. Anything. As long as it entertains. I like to get a reception from whoever I'm with - a personal reception, such as an orgasm, perhaps, or a large-scale one, such as applause (or, if I'm very lucky, the best way to show appreciation - laughter).

So here's the plan: combine the two. Do something that gets a good response from other people, and ride on that response to build confidence. Yeah, it's not easy, but it can't hurt to try, right?

And then maybe, one day, with a lot of luck, and perhaps a few pushes, I may just be able to stand up, and take my tentative few steps walking tall.