Saturday, October 15, 2011

Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

I've made a list of things to do! I'm turning into a middle-aged woman!

In my defense, to be honest I've suddenly been burdened with a hell of a lot of stuff to do at the same time - some pleasant, some not so much - and (although most of this comes as a result of things I have genuinely decided I have to do) the upshot of being unavailable during the week (again due to a combination of pleasant and unpleasant things) has revealed itself to be stressful enough to keep me up at night. I lie awake plagued by the memory of the worst times in my life, like when the mouse pointer moved left instead of right, and that day I realised there was a small tear in the protective screen of my new mobile.

And the only way to combat this is to actually get all the things done. For those of you who were actually sensitive enough to read all the entries here that don't mention sex and are actually wondering in which direction my life is going, I am about to re-enter education. It's for, like, a month, so I'm not going to be attempting to add a third university degree to my belt (honest!), but this starts in a week and two days, and therefore I have five working days to get all this stuff finished.

So. Make a list.

Incredible that it is that a list of things to do seems to get longer and longer as you cross bits off - especially as you end up adding more things - there is a definite amount of catharsis in scrubbing bits out ("Great! I actually managed to send that two-sentence e-mail to that Chinese boy I tutor! Back to Super Mario World!"). It's just difficult to actually get enthusiastic about any of it. Specifically when I'm stopped doing stuff because the place I'm heading for is closed and nobody bothered to tell me. I hate leaving stuff unchecked!

The main problem I have, however, is that my netbook - which is to all intents and purposes my primary computer - is currently being held by the people at the local PC shop. Why? Because some of the keys don't work, or - as I'd be saying if I were typing this on my netbook, because sme f the keys dn't wrk. My old laptop - originally called "Jim" but now "old faithful" - has been a temporary saving grace, but he doesn't have a working I key, forcing me to use creative copy-and-paste or find-and-replace to type that important vowel. (You may have noticed me on Twitter or MSN using lower-case Is. I'm not lazy, just disadvantaged as the result of a hoover being in the wrong place.) I've managed to get him back onto the Internet without too much trouble, but nevertheless, I would feel much more comfortable about working towards both a social and academic end if I had a fully functioning machine.

Yes, I don't have any money and I'm seriously gaining weight right now, but both computers are slightly broken and that's what's important right now. Geek love.

However... having said all that, there's always a saving grace. And my "thing to do" for Tuesday - weight, money, computer and outstanding work to do all irrelevant as soon as it starts - is "go to Leeds and see cutieloveheartgirl". Now that's a task I can seriously cope with.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Best interests at heart

When it comes to things to do, I am sometimes easily swayed, and yet sometimes not. My mother, as an example, is one of the people that takes it upon themselves to make all my decisions for me. As of today, my sister no longer lives in our house, and therefore I can foresee more upcoming decision-making on my behalf by her. She does, of course, run it past me first, but only in a perfunctory manner; the assumption being that when she makes a suggestion, I will follow it to the very letter. This does not bode well for me, the fact of the matter remaining that all I've done which could be (loosely) termed as successful throughout time has been as a result of ideas I've had myself.

It doesn't stop her trying though - and although I'm grateful for her support, she made a suggestion the other day, based on an advert she saw, which almost genuinely hurt.

It's not interesting, despite what you may have been reading on Twitter, where I am workwise. Needless to say, I am still unemployed, but I'm re-entering full-time education in a week or so for, like, a month. This is purely vocational, and hopefully I won't fuck this one up. Until then, I am doing voluntary work - of course, I won't say where, but it has its interesting points and I don't hate it. I don't know much about applying for post-course-qualification-specific-jobs, but it's a safe assumption that there will be a lull (or, as I will term it in a more positive light, grace period) between the course and, say, the New Year. I mean, that is a complete guess, but it's what I'm working on. My plan was to spend that time looking and preparing for jobs and all that may come with them, such as finding a place to live, and possibly even relocation. My mother's plan is for me to do Christmas temp work in shops.

Which is, of course, perfectly valid, only she had to mention a shop that I have a bit of an aversion to, due to something that happened there involving my ex. I don't even like going past that shop if I can avoid it, ergo: sod's law dictates that it's the one my mother shoves in my face continuously until I actually apply for the damn job. I probably won't eve have the time to be a Christmas temp anyway, but that's irrelevant when compared to the fact that I don't. want. to. go. there.

I can't tell her that, though, because I'd have to explain, and that wouldn't go well. I wouldn't be able to anyway. And she'd think that I was trying to make some excuse, and/or accuse me of laziness. Some of those nice things that mums say. I did initially consider lying and saying that I'd applied, but halfway through trying that I kind of stopped and changed my story. I'm not a good liar, really. And in the end I applied, full well in the knowledge that a) my prior experience is an advantage since I've done the job before and b) extra money over Christmas is always useful, but with a burning hope in my heart that I won't get it - my course will end too late for me to start or something - because I am fully aware that going to this shop - even as staff - would make me uncomfortable, sad, and distracted.

And to be honest, I really don't need that. Not now. Not ever.