Oh dear, what a titty, never mind...

The Metro ran a piece last Wednesday so bizarre that it actually has to be true. You know, one of those pieces. It concerned a gadget named the Kush, a little plastic cylinder that is THE way to guarantee your boobs don't start to sag.

Allegedly.

From what I can gather, the idea is to put a Kush in your cleavage before falling asleep, and this - somehow, although it's not very clear how, something to do with gravity, perhaps - stops wrinkles, sag and other things occurring. You know, because that actually makes breasts better, or something.

I can think of several things that don't work about this advertising campaign. First of all, it's only aimed at women with a C+ boob size, so that eliminates quite a lot of ladies. Second of all, it assumes that every lady with large breasts is going to get said sag or wrinkles - but as boobs are subject to potential gravitational energy, surely they point downwards anyway? That's what bras are for.
Plus, if you're using one, it's almost guaranteed to make you feel ugly.

But what offends me most about this... this thing... is the fact that both Metro and website accompanied its mention with a picture of an attractive young lady clearly asleep with a huge plastic wodge protruding from between her tits. I don't know about you, ladies, but I would NOT GET ANY SLEEP if I had a huge plastic wodge between my tits (if I had tits). Moreover, if I did manage to drop off to sleep (not an easy task as it is) eventually, every time I rolled over, it would fall out. And then wake me up.

Therefore, in the interest of public service and in admission of the fact I have no fucking idea how this would actually work, I propose the following advertising campaign:

I expect my cheque in the mail, guys.