Dicking about

I attempted to take some pictures of my penis this evening.

Oh, don't be so shocked. Of course I did. It's not the first time over. No, I'm not a narcissistic, arrogant egomaniac. I don't even think my cock is that pretty. It's just something I did to see if I could do so. And this time, I took some pictures for a purpose. Just after orgasm. Okay, well, not just after orgasm. It was a big orgasm. Just after post-orgasm recovery period. I also used my left hand because my right hand didn't want to leave my cock.

It's been a difficult day. One of those days.

So I took the snaps with my faithful, recovered BlackBerry - I have a new camera now, but it has yet to make it out of the box - and appraised them, because I'm that sort of crazy person.

I was thankful that my penis doesn't look odd, even in pixellated form. There's no huge, purple, bulbous head. There's no obvious blue veiny streakiness. There's nothing there that looks as if it shouldn't be there. And it doesn't even look like the Gherkin. But I was dismayed.

My brain spiralled into memories of seeing cock pics online. Pictures of cocks associated themselves to brash, overconfident men. Guys who use pictures of the giant tips of their cocks as user icons. Men who think that if they post pictures of their cocks on Yahoo! groups, girls will automatically want to do them. And worst of all, men who will take pictures of their penes from Batman angles, above or below, in order to make them look far too big, and who will send them randomly around IRC networks. I've seen 'em all. And none of them have been pretty.

With this in mind, upon wang picture appraisal, they were really not the most appetising of pictures. I'd been aiming to catch certain things in the pictures, and I had. But I got my stomach fat in there too. Something just above the accepted amount of body hair. And a terrible angle which made my cock look exactly like one of those web-based arseholes' pictures of their own. I didn't even recognise it as my own after a few seconds, and don't you think I would have gotten used to the sight of it by now?

And so I got up from my bed convinced that my penis was an ugly beast. As I went to get a drink of water, my computer still whining and groaning from its as-yet-unfixed problem of mystery, I felt vaguely uncomfortable and a little disconcerted about the whole affair.