Soft Porn Sunday: Leah York & Jason Schnuit

"Schnuit". I mean, really. "Schnuit." In every film he's in, he's credited as Jay Stewart. I can see why.

And so finally I get around to talking about Surrender Cinema. For those of you who haven't encountered Surrender Cinema... what were you doing with your adolescent years? Surrender are one of the most successful softcore film producers of the '90s and early 2000s. Their films are characterised by the same actors in each one playing characters which are... well... not really too different, exactly, as well as a variation in acting talent (usually hovering around the 'low' mark) and a plot which serves to hold together sex scenes.

But the scenes are almost always good ones, with plenty of action, movement, and decent enough music. They are ridiculously kitsch, but if it's soft porn, it needs to be, unless it's sufficiently classy enough to avoid the laughability factor. Surrender has never taken any of its films seriously, and this is no exception. Take the title of this one, for example:

Appearance: The Exotic Time Machine II: Forbidden Encounters (2000)
Characters: Moonbeam & Chuck

Believe it or not, there's actually a film called The Exotic Time Machine. And they had the temerity to make a sequel and stick a subtitle onto it. Good one, Surrender.

I actually owned this on VHS for a while. I eventually sold the VHS on eBay when I realised that I wasn't enjoying the plot much - it's even ridiculous by Surrender standards - and that a lot of the sex scenes had been cut short. I did, however, remember watching the uncut version on Bravo, and eventually managed to download some of them from the gool ol' internet. I can't remember when, exactly, but I've got 'em.

So, this scene. It never fails to get me off. Crude, perhaps, but it's the truth. I don't know what it is about it. Maybe it's the actress, Leah York. She doesn't appear in any other Surrender Cinema movies. Nor does she appear in any other movies at all. Very odd, that, considering that they have a stable of other actors and actresses that they continue to use (take the main haracter, Chuck - Jay Stewart is in EVERYTHING ELSE EVER).

The plot goes thus: Chuck (Stewart) is travelling through time - no, wait, bear with me - where he chances upon some other people. While his girlfriend meets Merlin (David Christensen) - yes, the Merlin - and King Arthur, Chuck accidentally arrives in the '70s and happens to see two hippy chicks - Trippy (Melissa Burke) and Moonbeam (York) making love. Because, erm, that's what hippies do, evidently. So they give him some LSD - although a more appropriate acronym might be WTF - and he trips, eventually coming down just as the girls are going to go out on some sort of protest. "What's the big hurry?" quips Chuck, and then Moonbeam proceeds to have sex with him.

Okay, that's about the best precursor to a sex scene I've ever seen. At least they score points for effort.

This scene doesn't actually contain much sex. There's a lot of foreplay, while Moonbeam and Chuck undress themsevles - why don't they do each other? - and a bit of implied oral sex (Bear in mind: softcore - no actual oral sex occurs. York's head is in between Stewart's legs and the camera work is strategic enough to create the illusion, that his cock is, indeed, in her mouth. It isn't.). The setting is a suitably new-agey one, with a cool design on sofa, flowers in pots and posters on the wall saying things like, "HUGS" and "VIETNAM - DON'T GIVE A DAMN" (no, I don't understand that one either). And Moonbeam's costume is suitably hippie, until it comes off.

And then it all happens. The music, which has been appropriate up until the last thirty seconds of the scene, suddenly crescendos - with electric guitar, where'd that come from? - as we fade to Moonbeam on top of Chuck. Much more familiar. There's a second fade, where we move to another position (although she's still on top). This continues for a short while until the scene ends. And that's your lot.

So why does it always work for me? There's nothing particularly special about it. The most likely explanation - and I think it's the correct one, to boot - is probably a combination of the music - music is an essential component of sodftcore and its crescendo when the actual sex starts is a very nice touch - and Moonbeam's hair, which is blonde, and in long bunches, which I think is actually very cute. And her body isn't bad, either - speaking of which, although I only bat for one team, Stewart isn't bad to look at. There's a lot of bouncing, as well - which gives the impression of quite fun sex. It's just a bit of a pity it doesn't last any longer.

I don't often watch this one, really. Just because it manages to make me climax if I'm engaged in that particular pastime. Yes, I know that's the point, but I'd rather vary my viewing schedule somewhat. Still, this one will do in a pinch, and for that, I doff my straw cap and give a peace sign to this scene, from the movie which should really have a much less pretentious title, starring the girl who's never seen again and the guy whose real name is "Schnuit", from the studio who, for some reason, really know how to make 'em.