Anyway, to deviate entirely from adult entertainment, I am now going to review a scene that's not in an adult film. That's right. Mainstream OMG SCANDAL.
Appearance: Cruel Intentions 3 (2004)
Characters: Leggy Blonde & Jason Argyle
I didn't know it existed either. And it shouldn't really exist, in the name of public decency. I didn't even know there was a Cruel Intentions 2. I've never even seen the first Cruel Intentions. WHY DO I KNOW THIS SCENE EXISTS? There are so many tings that are wrong with this! I'm surprised that I even downloaded this, never mind watching it and, for some unearthly reason, getting turned on by it! Why doesn't the universe collapse into an infinitely dense dot? I mean, seriously... Cruel Intentions 3?! I'm Innocent Loverboy, not The Nostalgia Critic!
Anyway, this is one of the dumbest films I've ever seen. Bear in mind that I've seen a lot of films, and that includes such gems as Leprechaun III, The Human Centipede and TRON: Legacy, a film so far up itself that if it were human, it would be difficult to work out where its arse stops and the rest of its body begins. So to call Cruel Intentions 3 dumb is quite an achievement. I wateched it with my sister, who is a young lady of 21 so naturally owns the trilogy on DVD, and her once-boyfriend-and-now-best-friend who everyone calls Bez, even though he's probably too young to know who Bez is. I'm still not sure why we watched it. Maybe it's some sort of induction activity.
It took me a while to recover.
Anyway, scene... yes. Well, it's the best scene in the movie, but that's probably because it doesn't have any dialogue in it.
There isn't much of a plot to this movie, but it's a teen film, so if it has the adequate amount of indie pop and
some inoffensive nudity, plot doesn't matter. So here's what happens: Dumb but attractive Jason (Smith), and equally dumb but brash Patrick, are American college students. They're never shown to do any amount of work, laze around by a random pool all day and randomly lay attractive girls with very little effort. Needless to say, this isn't radically different from my own university experience - deviating, as it does, in a mere three areas."So, who's that, then?" I asked, as nothing happened for about twenty minutes and suddenly the scene cut to Jason being ridden by a random blonde.
"Random blonde!" grinned my sister. (Which is a pretty good approximation, as she's actually credited as "Leggy Blonde" in the credits.)
Bez choked a little on his pizza.
I wasn't exactly paying the most attention, but afterwards I saw this scene again, and JESUS CHRIST THAT'S AN INDREDIBLY SEXY BACK.
Look at it. Just look at it. Look at those curves! Look at the line in its middle! Look at that clean, unblemished skin! Look at the way her hair falls down her back! Awesome, awesome back. I've got this thing about girls' backs. Ahem. Anyway.
Jason is having sex with a leggy blonde. No, that's it. There's no explanation and it makes no point to the plot. She never appears again and he never remarks upon it. What's it supposed to prove? That he's some sort of male whore, sleeping with a leggy blonde because he can? Yes, probably. Maybe it's just a bit sexist. I don't know. I don't care much, either way. Nobody should be watching this movie in any case.
Leggy Blonde is sitting on Jason, riding him steadily. No thrusting, no jerky movements. Fluid and steady. We get a few shots of her gorgeous back, a tiny bit of bum, a kiss, then the classic mix pan upwards during which we see a bit of breast, then her face (which is pretty). Some sort of orgasm and Leggy Blonde falls on top of Jason. He wraps her arms around her. Cliché heaven.
But it's done with a larger budget than most of the movies that would featurethis type of love scene, ergo: it is shot well. Yes, there's some incredibly bland indie pop in the background with a very moany singer, and yes, this sort of thing never really happens in university (as far as I know, anyway!). And yes, Kerr Smith can't act. Even when he's sitting under and attractive blonde with a very sexy back, he can't act. But the saving grace of this scene comes from Elizabeth McDonald, who is good-looking enough to make this one sexy, and has fluid enough movement in her body not to make this a wasted scene. Bit of a shame that it's carried almost entirely on her curves (and, as I said, that could even be considered sexist), but it is her moment of glory, and she does it well.
I suppose one does have to consider that this isn't a soft porn film. It's a teen drama - and a particularly poor example of one, although towards the end it does confront the issue of rape, which is kind of brave. It just doesn't do it particularly well. And I suppose they didn't have to put in a gratuitous sex scene near enough to the beginning - it doesn't really add anything. But they did, and they did it well enough. And McDonald has a lovely back. So, for that, I applaud them.
But with a very, very slow clap.
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