Out of kilter

While I am aware that I have been single for about six months now, and I am also aware that at the moment I have a focus around a person who I am pretty keen on as well, it's difficult to decide exactly where my emotions lie when I get a call from TD. She calls when she needs to be calmed, or when she wants somebody to be nice to her. And to be fair, if you want somebody to be nice to you, then I'm sure your half-angel ex-boyfriend isn't the worst of choices. It's just that I never got a full explanation from her for some of the stuff that went on, and it's difficult to know what to say or do.

She called me today and we ended up talking about random stuff. I mentioned my sister's recent debacle with a manfriend, and she mentioned that she'd met a guy, who she almost got intense with, and then he broke it off. My immediate thought was, "wow, that was quick." I mean, a few months ago she was telling me she still loved me - now she tells me she was de facto with another boy for a couple of months. My feeling has always been that she broke up with me because she wasn't coping well with having a boyfriend, and that she wanted to be single for a while to rearrange her head. It's not pleasant, but that was the reason, as far as I could see it. This doesn't seem like the reason any more.

Not that I'm going to get much of an explanation about that either.

So this has thrown me out of kilter. Yes, I can safely say that I'm no longer in love with TD, but it took a very long time. And I don't think I'm "over" the break-up. I'm not even "over" the break-up with Rebecca, because that fucked me around so much that it left me very wary of girls' loyalties (whenever TD got angry with me, I was convinced she was about to dump me every time, because that's the impression I got with Rebecca - and yet when I tried to be assertive, that made her more angry - again, explain?). But then again, I never will be. It's not in my nature to forget bad times. I don't choose to remember them - they remember themselves and stick to me. All I can do is to try and move on.

But it's difficult to think of her being with anyone else. I was good for her and I know it. I fail to see how anyone different would be able to be in a relationship with her for such a long time - and, of course, I don't want to think about her having sex with anyone else. Hearing about her past dalliances was hard enough - Glod knows about the future.

This makes me confused and upset, and I don't like that! Yes, it's easy to upset me, and it's easy to confuse me if you don't explain things - but I've been doing so much better over the past month or so. I've been moving along - or trying my hardest to. I've been talking to new people as well as old friends and I've even been interested in girls (or, girl singular at the moment) without feeling so guilty (whereas for the first two months, even thinking a girl was hot made me feel disgusted with myself). But news like this throws me massively out of step, because it's just not something I need to know...

...and it makes me review myself, as well, and ask myself that eternal question...

just what the fuck did I do wrong?