On the dangers of leaving your iPhone in public

Young raver left his iPhone on the table when going away to play a round of pool with Mane.

This was an incredibly stupid thing to do, as Hairy Friend demontsrated by instantly picking up the iPhone and deciding to find out how it worked. Luckily for the young raver, he stopped short of taking the thing apart. But he did find this:

I wanna fuck you up the bum
I wanna fuck you like your mum
Wanna pull your hair
And shake your pear
I wanna spunk up your nose
And buy you new clothes

...and so it went on.

So, yes, a poem about sex set in badly-scanning rhyming couplets. And yet he still hadn't returned. Fortunately (well, fortunately for us, anyway), Hairy Friend subsequently discovered a way to add new lines using the iPhone's note-taking function. And hilarity ensued. Take this classic, for instance, courtesy of Robinson and Mane's younger brother:

I'll make you cum
And I'll do it clitoral
I'm not fakin'
I mean that literal

And from me:

Let my battering ram
Into your wallet of ham

And from TD:

Gonna fill you up
Like in "2 girls 1 cup"

And even from Hairy Friend:

Want to suck on your brows
As we do it like cows

Yes, really.

Towards the end of the night TD and I decided to go home early so we could have sex (natch). However, there was only one possible topic of conversation that we could have employed during our walk home.

"How about," she said gleefully, "your arse is going to bruise when we do it with shoes?"
"You're on fire!" I replied. And, as we stolled along, into my phone it duly went.

So I could text it to Robinson for him to add, obviously.