Review: Durex Deluxe

Okay, I'll just throw this one out right now. I don't like wearing condoms. I understand their use and I am very appreciative of their existence. They have helped countless people, myself included, indulge in sexual activities while withholding procreation. I even used to take some on holiday with me, just in case anything happened (it didn't). But nevertheless, I've always favoured alternative methods of birth control - if only for the purely selfish reason that my penis, for whatever cause, isn't as sensitive as it otherwise could be while wearing a condom. Then again, whose is, right? But I do like the feeling of being enveloped by the warm, wet, fleshy... uh, flesh. Wrapped in a rubber sheath, that characteristic isn't quite as evident.

That's about four tangents I've gone on before starting the review, then. Fantastic, nothing new there.

Anyway, I was interested - or about as interested as one could be - when Durex offered me the chance to sample some of their summer range of condoms - Deluxe, which is the thinnest ever condom, Featherlite Ultra, which is pretty much the same except it's made from latex, and Real Feel, which not only wins the ILB Award For The Most Forced Rhyme Ever In A Sex-Related Product, but is designed, allegedly, to feel technically like skin and therefore produce a 'naked feeling'. These, then, are for people like me, who really don't want to put the things on, but have to. Or, to be more accurate, since my girlfriend takes oral contraceptives, don't have to.

Let's start with Deluxe.

This is a condom that appears to be designed for people that secretly really want to have babies. It's the thinnest ever condom and makes a big deal of it. And, fair play to them, they have created an extremely thin condom. The packaging, especially, is a masterstroke of planning - insofar as planning of a package for condoms could be considered a masterstroke. It's a box with a crinkly diamond design, containing five individually packed condoms. I say 'packed', rather than 'wrapped', on account of the fact that they come in little carry-cases, as opposed to the traditional square wrappers. These are circular, plastic, easy to open, and very, very exciting. In fact, this is probably the best thing that Durex have ever done, condom-wise; it's probably easier and more travel-safe to slip one of these condoms into your bag (or whatever it is that you unprotected youths carry these days) than it is anything else. Yes, it's bigger than a normal condom in a normal condom packet, but it's lighter, easier to access, and classier. This is extremely exciting. Well done, Durex!

Okay, well, now for the product itself.

To be fair, it's a thin condom. Is it the thinnest? Well, probably. I haven't really paid much attention to the thickness of condom walls beforehand, myself. But then again, I can tell that The Beautiful South's album Blue Is The Colour is a thicker CD than most other CDs are, so maybe I have a finer sense of touch than I originally thought. And it's extremely easy to get out of the packet. Plus, it's easy enough to get on (I have to point out here, in all seriousness, that I have a RATHER LARGE PENIS, so it's not always a cakewalk to slip one of these beasts onto my THROBBING TOWER) even without the lube that condoms occasionally come swimming in. And is it practically invisible? Yes, it's transparent. So you can see through it, especially when it's stretched - which is pretty good, actually, it gives a better view of my BLOOD-ENGORGED CANNON - and that's what's advertised, so they're not lying there.

The problem I had is, however, that there was no escaping the fact that I was, indeed, wearing a condom. A very thin condom. A very thin, transparent condom. But I was wearing a condom. And although the sex was good (the sex is always good), something - the familiar warm, wet, fleshy sensation - was missing. Fair enough, until they can invent a condom which can perform osmosis, you're unlikely to get that in any case, but the cold fact is that I didn't manage to come. Maybe that's just me, but it didn't quite... well... work. Having had un-barriered sex not soon afterwards, I knew pretty damn well that I was working, so it couldn't have been me suddenly going off sex for some bizarre reason. Nevertheless...

So would I recommend this condom? No. I'd recommend the incredible packaging, sure. I'd recommend wearing the condom for those of you who want to be able to a) see your penis through the rubber and b) put something on which is about three atoms thick. But at the end of it all, it's just thin. That's all that's special about it. Renée Zellweger is thin, and there's nothing special about her either. Maybe, if you happen to be blessed with an extremely sensitive penis, this might be worth a go. But it's not for me, alas.

More reviews to follow...