Shannon Tweed got married this time last week. Took her long enough. I was surprised, initially, to find out that she married Gene Simmons, before remembering that I'd already read that somewhere, and then having an "oh yeah..." moment. Well done, rock god and erotic thriller actress. Hope you're happy together.
I saw a lot of Shannon Tweed around the age of 15. Channel 5 bought a lot of mainstream erotica to show on Friday nights and, although some of it was cheesy pap, there were quite a lot of American erotic thrillers scattered through the schedules, and I quickly managed to learn that anything billed as "erotic thriller" had some semblance of a plot, whereas "erotic drama" mostly had sex in it. Since the plots were awful, I preferred the latter. Tweed starred in both types, and was prevalent in any film that had a bit of skin in it. To be honest, I always preferred "the other Shannon" - Whirry - but some of these films were good too. I remember taping a few.
I don't have a lot of clips with Shannon Tweed in my collection - which goes to show exactly how non-obsessive I am - so I had to scour the internet for some. And I found this:
Appearance: Illicit Dreams (1994)
Characters: Moira Davis & Nick Richardson
I vaguely - very vaguely - remember this one from my past. The fact that it's both directed by and starring Andrew Stevens raises a few eyebrows - an effort to get to have it off with Shannon Tweed? - but the plot is certainly unique. It's daft, but at least a little bit creative. Moira (Tweed) - who is married to Daniel (Joseph Cortese) - discovers over time that she has a telekinetic link to Nick (Stevens). They meet, fall in love, and screw. This movie, oddly enough, also stars Rochelle Swanson, in a minor role. I know that name, even if you may not... but I'll save her for later.
This is your standard sex scene between Moira and Nick. But I'm choosing it because it's a little different from her other sex scenes. A lot of them - like this one - mostly involve odd contortions, unlikely face pulling, and music from strangled saxophones that makes me want to tear my eyeballs out and stuff my ears with them. This one's actually quite romantic, insofar as soft porn scenes go.
Okay, to start off with, aesthetically neither character is much to look at. Shannon Tweed has an OK body, but it's not really made much of in this scene. Nick has a ridiculous beard though - even worse than mine. I mean, really. Shave, Stevens! In fact, even though I'm aware of how unattractive my beard may be, his knocks him down the Glist several thousand places. It's really off-putting, and it makes me wonder if Moira would even go near him without that psychic link. Gah!
Movement-wise, though, it's okay. Pleasantly, it starts off with a nice kiss, which is always good to see, as it emphasises the "OMGZ love" bit. It mixes to them lying on the bed, looking at each other with lustful eyes for a while, and then there's a few seconds of Nick delicately running his hands over Moira's thighs. (Awww, cute!) There's a bit with him kissing up her neck and then licking her ear - which is surprisingly arousing, considering all you can see is her face and his back (but then again, I spent the last four days making a girl orgasm by doing that, so maybe I'm biased), and after that we get OH GOD GET THAT BEARD OFF THE SCREEN Moira riding Nick; implied more than seen, perhaps, as what we get is some head shots of Nick, and no more than head and shoulders of Moira (what, no boobs?). Tweed's making the motions though...
...and then it's over, suddenly. Quite a nice shot of them spooning, while the camera zooms out.
Okay, well, the bad points first. It's not likely to get me off. Hell, I doubt it could get anyone off. It's not very explicit, and there really isn't much movement (and although Tweed can do movement, it looks a bit forced). It's a romantic sex scene... without much romance. There's effort, but it just doesn't look like they're that into each other. They're making the noises (or she is, anyway) and some of the faces are okay (except for Nick's, with that awful beard!), but they don't really fit with the music, either. Which is bland. Unobtrusive, sure, but bland.
However, having seen numerous other sex scenes from this period with this actress, bland unobtrusive music is a bit of a blessing, considering I have great respect for saxophonists and don't like to hear them sounding as if they're being kicked repetitively. And yes, it's not the best of scenes by any standard, but at least the cinematography is good. It's shot well enough and the camera work is neither annoying nor non-existent. In fact, the worst thing about this scene is that it's a bit out of place. It shouldn't really be in soft porn; it's more suited to mainstream cinema drama - since it's short and inoffensive enough to be so.
So I suppose it's a good enough effort to convey romantic sex via film. It falls short of actually doing so, of course, but for what it is, it clearly tries hard, and it does manage to avoid some of the softcore clichés that these films fall into. You can watch it here, if you're interested, if the beard doesn't offend you that much. Just remember that Shannon Tweed's done some better things than this. They're just not that easy to find.
Let it never be said that I don't like classy erotic films. I do. I just prefer the cheesy, low-budget ones as they generall have a lot more sex in them. However, I actually own this one on DVD. I bought it merely due to the strength of this one sex scene. There are more in the film... but not that many.
Anyway, Scent of Passion is Italian. It stars Malù as a wannabe dancer named Violette, who is "found" by lecherous chorepgrapher... Jeff. Really original name there for someone played by a man named "Giancarlo Teodori". They could have kept that name in; it would have been much more interesting than calling him "Jeff". But anyway, yeah, Jeff has this lover, Celeste, played by Ángeles López Barea, who is openly sexual. You can basically see where this is going, can't you?
So anyway, as this triangle continues, we present here the inevitable sex scene almost exactly halfway through the movie...
Appearance: Scent of Passion (1991)
Characters: Violette & Jeff
This scene takes place in Jeff's forest hideaway (because he can afford somewhere like that, allegedly) and would be your classic teacher/student sex 
scene, if it weren't so damn weird. First of all we get Violette allegedly dancing for Jeff, although it's actually just Malù turning around in circles wearing something resembling half a sari, before Jeff picks her up, lays her down on a white shagpile carpet and proceeds to... do something we can't quite see, because some twazzock filmed the next through seconds through a fire, so everything's consumed by flame. Oh, is that artistic? I see.
Anyway, with unashamed nudity, Jeff lies down on top of Violette and they writhe around for a bit. It's not really that sexy, in my opinion, but they are going through the motions, and there is a fair bit of passionate kissing at points, so at least it's filmed well enough. However, then they roll over and what we get here is the bit that I remember vivdly - Violette riding Jeff. In this case, everything's better. The staccato movement of her body, the moans (which mostly come from Jeff, but there are a few of hers too), and the sense that things are gradually beginning to get out of control, all hint at the passion that the title of the film refers to. Here it is, guys! Enjoy! The angle's better here, as well - you get to see more body movement, and more of Violette too, which is good, because although Malù's not the prettiest girl around, Teodori's not much to look at.
This goes on for a while before it's an immediate cut to doggie style. This bit - mostly filmed from behind a fire 
(Again? Seriously!) - is largely unremarkable (apart from the clear addition of sweat - not something a lot of producers would think about, I suspect, so kudos for that), until the end, where they clearly are overtaken by said passion, and suddenly the sex is a lot harder, more frantic, until it all ends quite suddenly. Although I suppose the sudden release of orgasm is like that in real life too, so maybe that's a good thing. I don't know.
Okay, so do I like actually like this scene? I bought the DVD specifically for it (sorry, anyone who assumed I have an inbuilt love for Italian cinema - I prefer Japanese), so is it worth it? Well, no it isn't. As I may have mentioned before, the second part of the scene does stick out in my mind. But I think that, since what actually formed the largest memory is the setting - with the fire, the bed and the white shagpile carpet (which just looks like it would be a fantastic thing to have sex on, congratulations for not acquiescing and using the bed) - the fact that I didn't exactly remember what the characters did should have probably been a good indication.
I don't like the music (it's all arty and floaty, but not in a good way), and I'm finding it difficult to connect with the characters in any meaningful way... and, tragically, I don't really find myself turned on by this. I know I used to, but I think that in many ways I've sort of matured since then. If that makes any sense. I've outgrown erotic Italian cinema. Tragic.
It's probably just not my cup of tea though. It might work for you. Who knows?
The first in the Emmanuelle in Space sequence is a bit of an incongruous beast, when you consider what comes after it. For a start, although Emmanuelle is in the title, she doesn't actually have a lot of sex in this episode, and for two instances of such (it seems a lot, but consider the amount of sex scenes in these films... 9 in this one alone), she is in disguise, so Krista Allen only appears in two. And for another, it sets up the plot nicely, but doesn't appear to have much relevance to the remaining six storylines. It's not a total non-sequitur, because it's a set-up... but it does mostly consist of Haffron having sex. Not that I complain, of course.
Appearance: Emmanuelle: Queen of the Galaxy, aka First Contact (1994)
Characters: Louise & Haffron
First of all, I don't like the title First Contact. It's too cheesy even for soft porn, and when I first watched this (how old was I? 14ish?), it was introduced as Emmanuelle: Queen of the Galaxy. The DVD's even labelled as such. I don't know how First Contact came into being. Not that I care much, either.
This scene is the last of three sex scenes to happen on a riverboat presumably going down the Nile. There's a very limp explanation for this: Emmanuelle has been abducted by aliens at a very inconvenient point: she is about to take a totally unexplained cruise in Egypt. Haffron decides to come with her, although how he can do this without having any form of ticket is unexplained (the Doctor would have used some psychic paper), and during the boat ride - you can tell it's a boat ride because there are occasional shots, from afar, of a boat - he sleeps with three women, one of whom is Emmanuelle in disguise. This is not Emmanuelle.
Say hi to Louise. She introduces herself briefly and jumps into bed with Haffron after an incredibly quick conversation (causing the barman, played by John Huey, to throw his list of pick-up lines away in a wonderful piece of bit part acting), thus begins the scene.
Whoever Haffron's having sex with in these scenes, they are all quite formulaic. There are brief cuts to bits of a boat (you do expect to hear this song after a while), more brief cuts to shots of Haffron's crew on their motherfucking spaceship (with the inane computer voice saying things like, "intuitive reasoning down thirteen per cent... mathematical reasoning down twenty-five per cent..."), often looking confused, music that sounds vaguely Egyptian in places and entirely naked Haffron. But strangely enough, in spite of this (or maybe even because you know what's coming), these scenes are all pretty good. I'll say this last one with Louise is the best, though.
The reason I quite like this scene has to be the position. Haffron spends most of this time standing up, while Louise is lying on her back with her legs open. In real life, of course, this results in deep, intense sex. I know this is soft porn, so it's not happening, but as we all know by now, Paul Michael Robinson is very adept at making you think it is, and Pegg Landon, as well as being a very attractive lady, does quite a lot with her face (which quite compensates for her not having that much to do otherwise). Haffron's movement is quite mechanic - hip thrusts - but Louise is moving quite fluidly in response to him, which actually makes for a good motion that complements the scene well.
As I've mentioned before, the music really isn't great. It's not well-thought-out and it could be presented better. But if it's not an integral part of the scene, at the very least it's unobtrusive, which helps a lot. And the soft moans here (which mostly come from Louise, it seems) are nicely timed with the thrusts. So it all fits together nicely.
The problem I have with this scene is its second half. They switch to the reverse cowgirl position after a while and, although the switch is somewhat seamless, the scene is a lot less "involved" this way. The position was working fine initially; why change it, especially when some of the best scenes only use one position? Maybe it's an easier position to do the fall back which seems to have to happen during every damn scene in this film.
Still, that's a minor gripe. It's a good scene. Not the best in this series - not even the best in this film, perhaps - but definitely the best of the "Egypt Boat Collection", and worth watching if you happen to own or be seeing a copy of this film. It should just be longer, more intense, and have more of that great first position in it.
Oh, and Haffron... grow a love trail. I know you're an alien, but at least try to look a bit human, will you?
Do-do-do-do, doo, doo. Do-do-do-do, doo, doo. Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do, doo.
Purely from memory, and even before thinking about opening this scene, or even opening VLC Media Player, I know how the music goes.
I love soft porn music. It can be very cheesy, but all in all it's better by far than hard porn music (what's sexy about "bow-chika-wow-wow" anyway?), and when it's used well, it really adds to the scene. In this scene, for example, the music isn't what I'd call a prime example of the genre - hell, it's not exactly a prime example of any genre - but it still works well with the scene, which is one of my favourites. It is:
Appearance: Emmanuelle 4: Concealed Fantasy, aka There's More to Love than Sex (1994)
Characters: Pamela & Haffron
So I will freely admit to liking the Emmanuelle in Space series, despite the ridiculous title, premise and script. Once you've got over the whole "hooray aliens!" thing, it's an enjoyable few romps and it's not hurt by the fact that the actors are, well, acting, even outside of the bedroom. Paul Michael Robinson's role, as the alien captain Haffron, is to look pretty, appear clueless about human society and sleep with a variety of exotic women, including - but not limited to - Emmanuelle (played at this point by Krista Allen). Robinson does a pretty decent shot as the acting bits, though: adopting a slightly halting American accent, using simple English rather than quick colloquialisms and slowly integrating more and more into human society. It can't be too easy a role to play, and yet he does it well. So good on him for that.
Although 90% of the sex scenes involving Haffron are with Emmanuelle (and rightly so; it's her series of films after all), a few of them have him with someone else - eight, if I'm counting correctly in my head. Most of them happen in the first film in the sequence, Queen of the Galaxy, and so this one in film four is a bit of an oddity. But it's a good'un.
Haffron meets Pamela (played by Chanra, who has NO LAST NAME) playing squash (yes, really) in Hong Kong 
(again, really), and they have a game while Emmanuelle showers (which basically gives Krista Allen an excuse to writhe around nude for a bit). Attracted to him, Pamela asks Haffron if he has twenty minutes, and we cut to the scene in a random bedroom.
The music is the main thing which attracts me to this scene, but there are other things too. The entire act of sex consists of Haffron on top and behind - this is either doggy style or anal sex, it doesn't really matter but I think it's meant to be doggy - with Pamela lying on her front. Haffron's thrusts are quick, deep and repetitive, and - in what's toeing the line between brilliance and insanity - it gets so intense that they end up sliding forwards off the bed, taking the cushions and duvet with them. Pamels places her hands on a plant pot to provide some leverage, and they finish off in the same position, Haffron letting out a breathy moan indicating his orgasm, and they stay lying there for a bit, him still on top of (and presumably inside) her.
It doesn't last very long, to tell the truth. But here's the thing - it's cut pretty well. The sex isn't seen in the right order. It cuts from foreplay to sex to penetration to sex, various angles jumping at you and taking you by surprise. While this could be distracting, it actually works incredibly well, and I'm really not sure the scene would be quite as good if there were no unusual camera work or jump-cuts. And while the whole thing's going on, we get audible breaths from Robinson and Chanra - indicating their characters' lust. We even get some kissing, before and after sex. The movement of bodies, arms and legs is well-conceived, and all in all it's a good scene, outdoing even some of the best ones with Emmanuelle in (although not this one, which is unbeatable).
But the thing that sticks out in my head by a mile is the iconic music. Unlike some softcore music, I haven't seen it used anywhere else (some music makes frequent reappearances, even in different shows). This is one-of-a-kind music which, although not great, fits the mood and setting really well, is very nicely timed with the scene and is incredibly memorable. I can't forget it, and it's an integral part of the scene. Which is actually really nice to see.
So, yeah... a bit incongruous when you consider the continuity of the series, in which he's meant to be gravitating more and more towards a relationship with Emmanuelle, but a hot scene, a good one, and one of the parts of the series that genuinely stands out.
Girl-I-used-to-have-a-crush-on asked me last night if I'd seen House of Wax. I answered her happily that I haven't seen it. To be honest, it's probably not my cup of tea. Nevertheless, I did tell her I'd seen a film set in a house of wax (for the Brits reading: waxwork museum), but it probably wasn't the one she was thinking of. And this is that film. Hooray!
The trailer for the film I had in mind is available here via Dailymotion. Why am I linking to it? Well, just watch it. It's hilarious, largely due to the fact they have that deep-voice-in-trailers guy doing the narration, probably on his day off.
This is one of Surrender Cinema's more bizarre offerings, in that it appears to have been lost in the circuits of time for a while. I hadn't downloaded any scenes from it before I came to think of it last night, and to be honest, it's very difficult to do so. In the end I had to pay a small amount to download one scene. A very small amount, however. I shouldn't be doing that. Nevertheless...
The film has two titles, which also makes it difficult to look for. The title on screen is The Erotic House of Wax. The title on the box is The Exotic House of Wax. Is this a deliberate attempt at confusion? No, probably not. Does it confuse? Yes. I'm pretty sure, at the very least, it's not House of Wax.
Appearance: The Exotic House of Wax, aka The Erotic House of Wax (1997)
Characters: Romeo & Juliet
Yes, that's right, Romeo and Juliet.
The plot of this film - helpfully explained in the above trailer if you want to be lazy - is that a naïve young girl has inherited her grandfather's house of wax, in which - naturally - the figures come to life and have sex at night. Because that's what happens, apparently. (There's some other stuff about a magic amulet and a high priestess who can't talk, but I'm not really sure that's particularly relevant.) To make it more "interesting," some of these wax figures are real people, like Antony and Cleopatra, and - erm - Romeo and Juliet.
Oh, and by the way, the house of wax isn't deliberately Shakespearean. It's nowhere near as cool as that. I just think they picked a few famous sets of lovers and wrote them into the script.
Right, so Romeo and Juliet - although I didn't realise it was them until the dialogue started (they could have worked a little harder on a balcony scene; I thought they were on a boat or something) - come to life and have sex on a bench...
DAMN YOU! WHY DON'T THEY HAVE SEX ON A BALCONY?! THEY'RE ROMEO AND JULIET, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! USE THE PROP YOU'VE ALREADY GOT!
...while a couple of guys watch. Which is a bit creepy. Not to mention the fact that wax can't move, but I don't think they've really thought this one through properly.
The beginning of this scene is in soft focus and features the pretty standard kissing and undressing that a lot of soft porn scenes have. It's not done particularly well, but it's not particularly bad, either. Both characters have nice enough bodies and it's quite nice that they don't just dive in... but you get cock. And that's really not meant to happen.
Seriously. Romeo's cock. Yes, it is cock that would pass the Mull of Kintyre test, but nevertheless, it's soft porn - adhere to the unwritten guidelines, guys! No explicit genitalia! Jeeze. Anyway, Juliet looks at the cock - and so do we since there's no real choice in the matter - and then proceeds to fellate it. Or not. She's actually kissing somewhere which is well above where we now know his penis is. Once again, movie... THINK!
It's kind of okay once the sex starts. Or would be. We get Juliet riding Romeo and making some odd facial 
expressions, then some odd sitting missionary, and they're both done pretty well. But they're filmed quite badly, to be honest, with random cuts to bits of scenery which don't really represent the action (including the two guys who are standing about looking gormless) every now and again. The actors aren't particularly trying very hard and it's difficult to get too involved even if you are aware what's going on. The costumes are okay, but the music - synthesised rock guitar - really doesn't fit the piece either. Virgins of Sherwood Forest managed period music, but this does not. And that would have really dramatically improved this.
Plus... it's Romeo and Juliet. Has anyone involved in this film actually read the play? They're both far too old to be the characters (although it's soft porn so yeah, they have to be 18 or older, but still), their situation is never really alluded to at all, and they don't even partake in any dialogue! But it's some of the best dialogue, ever. Look:
ROMEO
O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
JULIET
What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?
ROMEO
The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.
JULIET
I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:
And yet I would it were to give again.
ROMEO
Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?
JULIET
But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
[NURSE calls within]
I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.
[Exit, above]
Check that out! Now, will somebody please explain to me why the film didn't just have some of that in it? It's hardly a copyright issue. Bloody lazy, that's what it is.
So, yes. Good idea for a scene, but carried out really poorly. And it's a real shame, because actually I remember it being quite good back when I saw this. But that must have been years and years ago, and my memory's warped it into a weird scenario which it isn't, over time. And hey, I probably wouldn't have watched it if House of Wax hadn't been mentioned last night, to begin with...
...however...
...at least I didn't watch the Antony and Cleopatra scene. Because if they mishandled that, it would have probably caused me to have had some sort of seizure.
No fightin'. No fightin'. Shakira! Shakira!
I first saw this video after watching Shakira perform at Live Earth 2007 with my dad. No, before you ask, we weren't actually at Live Earth, but they announced Shakira's name and I looked up at the TV. I'd never seen Shakira perform live before. I'd always liked her music, though. Good to dance to. Infectious. And then I saw the performance.
Okay, so it's not one of the best performances. And it's marred somewhat by the fact that the sound balance was a bit off. But it certainly stirred something in me. Something that made me run upstairs and then wrestle YouTube for the official music video. And I do have to say, embarrassing as this may be, the first time I saw it, it made me more aroused than any form of soft porn I've ever seen. Its effect is less so now, but it still manages to impress.
And yes, I masturbated to it. I continued to do so for a while. Sorry, Shakira. If I ever meet her, I'm apologising for that.
So, yes. It's a very hot music video. Shakira, apart from having a great voice, is famed for her provocative style of dancing, mostly involving the use of her hips. Hence the name of the song... possibly. Though the dance she does is different in every performance, the video places her in a costume which... well... doesn't leave too much to the imagination. There are even a few shots of her naked sequined back, which oddly enough I don't find as sexy as the bits where you can see her face. But then again, I'm weird like that.
What's funniest about this video is that Wyclef Jean famously sings the backing vocals, and even has a verse or 
two on his own. I'm not sure if it's him that does the famous "Shakira! Shakira!" hollering, although it doesn't appear to be, unless they've multitracked him. But while Shakira, in this video, not only does her twisting, jerking, writhing dance with the "come hither" expressions, but also appears to be having the time of her life doing so, Wyclef just continues to look a bit lost throughout. I'm sure he doesn't feel it, but he does look a bit confused at various points, as if he's not entirely sure what he's supposed to do. But then again, it's Shakira's video, not his - so a lot of the focus is on her, even though it will cut to Wyclef doing something random at bits, just to remind you he exists.
But the real star of the show is the lady herself - and why not? The second half of the video is a big Latin parade, with lots of... random... stuff happening, but the first half has perhaps the best belly dance I've ever seen. And you'd be surprised, but I've seen a lot of belly dances. Not sure how. I just have.
And it fits with the song too. After all, isn't the song about dancing in order to sexually provoke somebody? Well, she's certainly doing so, especially in conjunction with lyrics which amount to "you know you want it". Musical tease, perhaps?
So here's my challenge. Watch it. Especially if you haven't seen it before. You probably will have heard the song, but you may not have seen the video, and if you can get past the first half of the video without at least shifting uncomfortably once in your seat, I think there may be something slightly amiss.
Oh, and the tune's good, too.
Oh, look, there's a soft porn actress with the word "St." in her name. How original.
Anyway.
This one's a blast from the past. I must have seen this one in about 2000, two years after it first came out. I would have been about 14 then. I think that makes sense. It took me a while to remember this one, actually, as it didn't make that big an impact on my memory. And by the time I started downloading soft porn, I'd forgotten this scene entirely. I'm glad I found it again, because it's quite good.
Appearance: Lolita 2000 (1998)
Characters: Jolene & Billy Ray
Yes, it does have the word "Lolita" in it. I wonder if the producers ever actually read Lolita. I wonder if they know what connotations the word has. What's worse, it's sometimes spelled "Lolida" as well. And that's not an effort to avoid the word itself... it's a spelling mistake. Gah! Whatever. So, in an effort to avoid any actual plot, we have a wraparound setup, with a lady named, originally, Lolita (Jacqueline Lovell), who is on the run in a futuristic dimension because she has some "stories" (blank CDs that she's holding in her hands in such a way that they'd be scratched and ruined if they actually were to be played), and people want these stories, apparently.
And, despite prosecution if caught, she then proceeds to play us some of the stories. Which are all basically small bytes of soft porn. Not exactly "stories", to speak of.
The third - and final - of these stories is an odd one without much real purpose to it. A man goes into a bar...
[snip three hours of ILB attempting to think of a joke that begins with "a man goes into a bar" that isn't cringeworthy - note: he failed in this mission]
...and he has the necessary fling with a waitress (Skylar Nicholas) in one of the bathrooms. This scene I remembered as being good, but it isn't actually as hot as my twisted memory said it was! Anyway, that's not the scene. Exactly like that bathroom out of Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel, only a bit lamer, after exiting the room, this man finds himself catapulted back a few decades, emerging in a 1950s diner, where a couple - one of whom, in a massive leap of imagination, is a waitress - make love in one of the booths. And that's the scene. This man watches... and that's about it.
So, yes, it's a bit of a cop-out. St. Clair and Briganti both play characters with no development whatsoever. Their 
task is to have sex. And how do they do? Well...
The first thing to talk about is the music. It's odd. It's not bad, but it's not great, either. It's also unusual. It starts off as the typical synthy strains of soft porn music, but as it goes along, it kind of segues in a female vocalist singing a rather incongruous "ooh-aah" over and over again, like a very slow reaction to fireworks, with odd plinky piano sounds. Mind you, it's quite good piano work. It's just loud, so you can't really avoid it. Mind you, I don't like love scenes without music, so no real complaints there.
Costuming is fine too. Although the screenshot I've chosen doesn't actually, erm, show it, their costumes are okay - particularly that of St. Clair's character, Jolene. It's a '50s-style dress, which is pretty authentic, if a bit kitsch, and the headband is a nice touch. Also, as a point of extra note, I really, REALLY like the way Jolene keeps her glasses on all the way through the scene. Really really. It adds something. Billy Ray (Briganti's character) is just wearing standard stuff, but he takes it off pretty quickly.
And the sex is good. They switch positions a bit, which is quite impressive, when you consider it's only a diner booth; each position happens in a different state of undress. Jolene is half-undressed when they use doggy style; the brief shot of missionary happens while she still has her shoes and socks on (which is also hot), and the final - longest - shot is done in the sitting position (see the screenshot), with short playful bumps of movement. At the very end, Jolene grins and both lie back on the bench, Billy Ray on his back and Jolene still in the same position, lying back on top of him. It's a very nice image.
I think there are some more scenes in this story as the characters leap through time, including some involving cavemen who look a bit more like Fraggles than anything else, but that's not particularly important.
So what's good about this scene? Well, I think it's Taylor St. Clair. I've seen a lot of her stuff and I've always found her scenes a bit variable, but I like this one. I think the difference here is that she's playing a cute girl, as opposed to her usual "vixen"-style character, and I like that. It shows versatility, and for the '50s setting, that kinda works. I'm not overly convinced by Briganti, as Billy Ray (I would have preferred him starting out dressed like Eugene from Grease), but I guess he does what he's there for well enough to not cause too much of a distraction. And you see his bum, which is well-toned. Not that that's my thing, but it is a bit more obvious than some bums you get in softcore.
And the glasses. Throughout it all, she keeps 'em on. That really does count for something.
As some of you may know, I'm not averse to a little acting, including playing Robin Hood at various points, and recently I've been involved with the production of a conceptual net-based game show similar to Knightmare, set in a mediaeval-style underground world. As well as doing some of the writing, I acted in the pilot. I have, however, just found out that, despite auditioning twice, I haven't been cast. So, in acknowledgement of my total failure, here's a Soft Porn Sunday with a somewhat mediaeval bent.
Appearance: Virgins of Sherwood Forest (2000)
Characters: Serena & Horatio
Okay, I'll admit it: I love Virgins of Sherwood Forest. It's incredibly cheesy and doesn't work as an adventure film, a comedy film, or a Robin Hood film. But it works well as a concept, and it also works incredibly well as a softcore film, managing to pack eight sex scenes into one and a half hours using a plot that's not exactly too flimsy. It does have the typical cop-out "it was all a dream" ending, but then again, that's also an act of mercy after it seems like there's no way out of the scenario they place themselves in.
The acting's pretty decent too - I mean, it's not great, but Dave Roth (who plays Robin Hood, in addition to a rock star, Alvin, in the "prologue" set in modern times) is a fairly credible actor, and makes for a likeable Robin. Gabriella Hall is okay, Amber Newman is good enough too, and the viceroy (who doesn't have any sex, as he is an old man) - played by Burke Morgan, who is roughly the same age as my dad - is a very credible performance. John Lopez' Friar Tuck is genuinely funny as well, if you can get past the American accent.
But the real shining star of this film is Shannan Leigh. Like everyone else, she plays dual roles - a wimpy assistant director with huge glasses named Nina in the "prologue", and Serena in the main film. Insofar as the plot goes to explain, the Sheriff of Nottingham has been finally defeated by Robin and his band of Merry Men (which, thankfully, the film gets a bit right - including Little John, Tuck and Alan Dale - and an odd one named Co-Chon, who they could have named Will Scarlett or Merry Andrew, but never mind), leaving the Viceroy in charge of Nottingham Castle. In comes Serena - the Sheriff's evil, horny, large-breasted sister - who quickly assumes the post of Sheriff. And evil she is - playing the part with a casual ease. A genuine form of malevolence, she is scheming, devious, calm and cunning. Her first sex scene happens shortly after her first appearance, and it is - without question - my favourite scene. Ever.
I'm not sure I can exactly do justice to this, but I'll try, in list form, to explain why I like this:-
- Plot. After ascertaining who Serena is, the viceroy leaves to clean out the Master Bedroom. A background servant prepares to leave, too, but Serena seductively commands him to stay. He reveals his name is Horatio, and Serena replies with, "Charmed. You know - I've had a long ride. Would you mind...?", offering him her foot. Evidently, his job is to give her a foot massage, which he does, before they get a bit carried away. I like this because it's a bit of harmless banter, and it gives a reason for the sex.
- Char
acters. I've already talked about how good Shannan Leigh is, but she is incredibly good at this. And, even though David Usher's only job in this film is to have sex (twice), he does well too. Both are attractive (Leigh staying hot throughout), and even the costumes are good. Okay, so I'm not at all happy with Serena's costume having a zip. But Horatio's is genuine mediaeval garb - slacks, loose top, sash - which adds a nice touch. It's a pity not all the costumes are like that.
- Setting. Awesome. This happens on a balcony of Nottingham Castle. Yes, it's not the real Nottingham Castle (I lived there for three years... Nottingham, not the Castle), but the setting is good, and there are huge panoramic views of forests and hills behind them. It's not necessary, but it's a very nice touch - and they make good use of the backdrop too, Serena at one point leaning up against a barrier while Horatio licks her.
- Music. Absolutely phenomenal - not because it's much good, but because it genuinely fits. It really does. Every time there's a change of perspective, or action, the music adapts to suit it swiftly.
So, we get foot massage, undressing, licking, kisses, and then sex. The first bit happens with Serena holding onto the balcony with one hand, having sex while standing up as Horatio supports her. And that's hot. But the second position is even hotter. After more kissing, they turn around. Serena places her hands on a table (causing the objects on the table to fall off, another nice touch), and steadies herself as Horatio enters her from behind, his foot on a chair for support.
This is the best few seconds of a scene I can think of. The thrusting movement of Horatio, the way the music works to time sforzando notes with every pelvic thrust, the looks on their faces (especially Serena's with the way she opens her mouth and the look in her eyes), the camera angle and the sense that they are reaching climax... it all works. It works in a way that very few scenes do. And there is a very definite climax too, with a massive thrust from Horatio, at which Serena bends her arms, and it is very definitely all over.
Serena has sex twice more in this film, but whatever position she's in, she always manages to assert her authority, which can't be easy - she even sleeps with Robin at one point, but something about Shannan Leigh's actions make it seem as if she is the one essentially in control, and that's very sexy - confident, assertive lady. But it's this first scene, with the servant over the table on the balcony, which really make the film for me - because it just contains all the elements that make it an exemplary sex scene. One of the best, ever.
If you want to watch it, I recommend seeking out the whole film (I bought it on DVD, which is a bit extreme; maybe you can rent, stream or torrent it) as there aren't any version of this one scene online that really do it justice - you need the context and while thing to really enjoy it to the full. Serena is, after all. Plus, you get seven other scenes too!
So. It's Easter - happy Easter. I thought I'd do something special for Easter, but it was difficult thinking of something non-Jesus, non-chocolate and non-rabbit related. If you want to read about my religious views, go here. But this is far more interesting.
I'll tell you what I did earlier this week. It's not really related to Easter.
Back when I was a young ILB, I used to watch L!VE TV. I think everyone did, specifially since it came as a free channel with cable packages. And my gran had cable. There came along, in the channel's twilight years, a couple of low-budget sexual programmes of their own making (although they probably should have just stuck with Compromising Situations). Blonde, Busty and Keane (groan) was one, although no actual sex happened in that, just a little nudity. The other, Threesome, was far more interesting. I actually used to watch it, and then when L!VE returned (albeit briefly) in 2003, on occasions where I had access to it, they'd show it again and I'd watch it again.
My recollection of this show is somewhat sketchy. Hilariously, its IMDb page doesn't actually list its three main stars - Emily Booth, Anneka Svenska and Taylor Dean - as particularly important, hiding them under "extra cast". I know Emily "Bouff" Booth - who lives near me, apparently - is trying to leave this show behind, but I doubt that's the reason.
As far as I can recall, Threesome was something of a cross between soap, sitcom and drama. Helen (Svenska), who is a sexy writer, lives with Eve (Bouff), who is a sexy actress and model. David (Dean), Helen's sexy boyfriend, moves into the same apartment, and lots of sex occurs. Or not, because the stars rarely get their kit off in the first few episodes (except the first ever scene, which has Helen riding David). How do they circumvent this problem? Simple. Have Helen write erotic fiction and film some sex scenes in soft focus with Svenska narrating 
what the characters are doing.
Yes, this is very cheap. Very cheap indeed.
With the exception of the episode Solo, which has Helen and Dean going on holiday and consisted mostly of Bouff rubbing herself and moaning a bit, and the episode where David (who, apparently, is a photographer) had a model over to take pictures off and ended up screwing her, very little sex occurred between the leads until the second half of the series, in which essentially a triangle happens (gosh! didn't see that one coming!) with Eve wanting both David and Helen, Helen wanting David, and David wanting Eve. Or something like that. It doesn't really matter because still no real sex occurs.
Or it does, but it's very brief.
I did manage to catch the last epiosde at one point, in which they manage to reconcile all their differences by having a threesome. In soft focus. But there are some tantalisingly quick sex scenes in between beginning and end, which tend to focus on Helen/Eve, but some David/Eve and a few Helen/Davids. So I went a-searching, and found... nothing.
It took me ages to even find anything related to Threesome. It seens to have been edited out of history and there's no DVD available (or even VHS). Via some very inactive forums (and a lot of patience and constant searching on Rapidshare), I downloaded about as close as you're going to get to a collection of the sex scenes from Threesome. Very few actually depict sex, and most merely imply it - and the dialogue is absolutely terrible - and they all lack the longevity, plot, music, cinematics or even eroticism to get close to getting me off whatsoever. That's why the scenes aren't really suitable for SPS - there isn't much to write about 'em!
But maybe, because of its relative obscurity, and the fact that nobody would watch this for good quality acting or good quality sex, Threesome acts as an interesting curio. It's in no way special, but I kept watching it, maybe for the implicit idea that eventually we'd have a full-on sex scene featuring both the actual actors and a good length. Evidently this didn't happen, and I wasn't happy with that. But, as an example of what not to do, Threesome stands on its own two feet, because in many ways it was actually putting in a very good attempt at being an erotic soap opera (it's better than Eden at any rate). And, you know, it's got Bouff in it and I've always been curious about her ever since I saw her in Bits.
I may share these scenes at some point. I doubt many other people have them at all. But if anyone's got all the episodes on VHS, I'd buy it. I actually would. Just to see if it works any better than memory serves.
I wonder what that E. stands for. I guess it'll always be a mystery, like the E in E. Edward Grey from Secretary.
Appearance: Click - Sex, Lies & Politics (1997) - aka Sexual Dependence Day
Characters: Officer Shelley & Ron Slick
OK, so I'm not a major fan of the Click series. The basic premise is a bit too far-fetched for me, and when you consider that I like softcore films which involve time-travel, a female Sheriff of Nottingham, alien female sex clones, lesbian cyborgs and a planet populated entirely by women, that really is saying something. It's never really explained, but there's this... thing, a bit like a remote, that you click (hence the unoriginal title) and that makes you horny. Cue the sex. That's about it.
In this scene, Ron Slick (another wildly original name there), who is a lobbyist, is being arrested by Officer Shelley. Why? No idea. He's called "Ron Slick". That's enough of a clue. They end up having sex via the power of a click!
I like this scene mostly (all right, entirely) because of the set-up. After some hilariously non-threatening banter - "Why are you lying to us, Ron?" - Shelley finds the clicky thing and clicks it, despite Ron's (feeble) protest. As he continues to be an idiot, Shelley gets visually quite aroused, and radios to her colleague to tell him that she's got a couple more questions she wants to ask. Yeah, we all know what that means.
A bit more banter, although this time with suggestive use of truncheon - "Call me Shelley, and that's an order!" - and then we cut to the other officer, Murray, played by Vince Cole, who is making his own arrest. And then this happens:
[Murray checks his radio.]
Murray: "Yo, Shelley! What the hell's goin' on up there?"[Unmistakable sounds of sex from the radio.]
Shelley: "Oh! Um, aah, checkin' the suspect. Oh! Be down in a few... oh!"
Prisoner: "Sounds like one hell of an interrogation."
[Murray nods.]
That's an okay set-up. But wait, there's more! Immediately we get the music, drum beats heralding some sort of hybrid between rock and dinner jazz, overlaying - and this is the bit that turns me on the most - a camera panning over discarded clothes in a line, including Officer Shelley's holster, uniform and badge. And then we slowly see more and more of what Shelley and Ron are doing. Yes, they're having sex, the policewoman still dominant as she is sitting on him, riding him very passionately indeed!
As we see this from various angles (top-down and side-on, mostly), more is revealed - she's handcuffed him to the
wall, they're sitting on a red trunk or some description, his legs are splayed quite wide, she has a visible bikini line, and her breasts are nice and perky. Towards the end of the scene, she picks up her pace, and just when he thinks it's all over - he makes his fatal mistake of asking, "could you, er... uncuff me now?"
"Oh, no way," says the officer, grinning. "I've got a lot more information to extract from you."
"Oh, boy," says Ron, as we fade out, but hear Shelley's moans as she starts to ride him again.
I don't know what he's complaining about. If he's having sex with a hot policewoman without having said anything at all seductive, I want that clicky thing.
It's odd to think of this scene as anything but a bit of whimsy, as it's obviously meant to be a bit comedic as well as hot. It sounds, from what I've said, like this is a dom/sub sort of scene. It's not at all. Shelley plays a police officer and therefore she is in control al the way through the scene - even when she is starting to lose control of her body. She gets her man, she handcuffs him to the wall, and she's on top of him throughout the sex. And then we have the ending, which has her continuing, even though he's clearly not too keen to carry on (again - idiot). But it's not meant to be a BDSM follower's wet dream. There's a little bit of the elements there, but this is soft porn - it's not meant to convey anything except a lot of skin.
Plus, I'm not really into BDSM much anyway - so why do I like it? As I said, the set-up. It's original, it's fun, and I love the clothesline effect. The little funny scene with Officer Murray is good, too. So yeah, while I wouldn't usually recommend the Click series much, this scene is worth a look, because for some reason it works for me. You have to watch it all the way through, though... don't just skip to the sex; that's lazy!
You can watch this one online here. Tell me what you think!
I chose this one completely at random. Fortunately, it's not so bad.
Appearance: Bedtime Stories, Series 1: "Like A Virgin" (2000)
Characters: Belle & Alec
I used to watch Bedtime Stories on what was once UK Living. I think it then became UKTV Living, and probably something else after that. Being a boy, I probably wasn't its target demographic. But I remember it showing soft porn, mostly aimed at girls - although soft porn should have universal appeal, surely? - and so I used to watch it to catch a glimpse of some of the sexy situations. Bedtime Stories stood out as one of the best of the bunch.
In the style of many softcore shows, like Passion Cove, Eden and Red Shoe Diaries, there's an overriding setting, but it acts as more than a wraparound: Belle, arguably the main character, owns a house with high-class girls - not really a brothel... more of a hotel with benefits. Each of the episodes features somebody coming in with some sort of problem, all of which are solved by sex - as you do, you know. Belle, played by Kim Dawson, even got involved in some of the scenes herself. And therein lies the difference. This scene, which I've picked at random, features her. And somebody called Alec.
I've sort of forgotten the details of the plot. Forgive me. It goes something along the lines of: Alec isn't having sex, he goes to the house, he has sex with Belle... something along those lines. I forget. How lame of me is that? So I'll have to focus on the merits of this one as to the scene itself, OMG SCANDAL.
Bedtime Stories is also pretty unique in that nearly all its softcore scenes open with cunnilingus. Of course, it's simulated, but now I think about it, it must be really easy to simulate. Simulated fellatio isn't nearly as easy, as evidenced by a lot of the scenes where, if you look closely, it's clear that she is kissing his legs and there's no faux penis encounter there. In this case, it's quick - camera angle, legs covering anything graphic, head between legs. It can't be as easy as I think it is, but it surely can't be that difficult. Anyway, the first third or so of this scene has Alec licking Belle out.
I like this because of the following reasons.
- Kim Dawson is an incredibly attractive woman. She has long, curly, blonde hair, and a well-defined body.
- She also acts reasonably well and, during sex, does these priceless facial expressions. This is what Belle is doing while being gone down on.
- I mean, look at the picture. She's got one foot over Alec's shoulder and her hands are balancing her position on the bed. Leaning back allows for better access to vaginal areas and stuff. I don't know if said implication was the intention, but I'm going to think that it is.
- Belle is also clearly enjoying it, judging by the movements of her body and the look on her face. It's going well.
After about a minute of this (which includes a sizeable chunk wherein Belle 
grasps Alec's hair, a nice touch), the picture then shifts to the cowgirl position. But we don't just get a mix to her astride... what we actually get is a pan up from crotch to face, and then back down again, face to crotch... only, in this case, said crotch is occupied with something other than being licked. That's actually remarkably clever. I wouldn't have thought of it.
Then after some shots of Alec's face (and David Christensen is doing a good enough job with the facial expressions himself, even if he does look a bit gormless at points) and Belle's top half, we get a long wide shot of the act of sex from a distance, with a steady rhythm of bouncing from Belle and rather a lot of boob-fondling from Alec. A bit closer and Belle finishes off with a little moan...
...but we are back as we mix to another position for the two! False ending, I 
know, shocking... but it leads to more sex. And that's a good thing, because it wasn't quite believable that any sort of orgasm was achieved there...
And it's here where Christensen gets his chance to shine. He steadily steps up the pace, Alec doing the majority of the movement (although we also get some hand gestures and stuff from Belle), a close-up of his face demonstrating some genuine acting, and the final resolution - the classic "slowly sink onto partner, sigh and hold" - most certainly brings things to a definite end, rather than just a fade-out. Which does make a nice change.
It's a long scene, this one - and while it's not one of the Greatest Of All Time (although I do wish I could remember the plot), it does its job. It's a classic Bedtime Sessions love scene, and since it wasn't aiming to achieve anything more than that, it's quite satisfactory. To be honest, the music isn't great here and it's not one of Kim Dawson's best by any means... but then again, if you get bored with the naked bodies, there's plenty of pretty décor to look at... candles, fern, nice windows, good curtains, colour scheme. So I guess there's something for everyone, after all.
Yarr!
I've mentioned Pirates on this blog once before. It's a really odd film for several reasons. One, it's the most expensive porn ever made, with its director Joone claiming it cost up to a million US Dollars. Which brings up a rather random idea for a lyric:
"If I had $1,000,000, I'd make you a porn film... but not a hardcore film, that's cruel."
It is, in fact, a hardcore film. But in another unusual fact for a hardcore porn film: there's a lot of plot, which has clearly been well thought-out and rewritten at least once. In fact, the version I've got has more plot than sex, with most of the high budget going into impressive-looking CGI special effects. There's action, adventure, and genuine acting (although the most convincing comes from Tommy Gunn as the pirate captain, Victor Stagnetti), and although it's been the subject of derision by some people, I kind of like it for what it is.
Perhaps the strangest thing about it, however, is that, although it's hardcore, a cut version was released with an R rating in America, and got its UK release with an 18 certificate. I bought it, evidently. And so the 'softcore' version is in my possession, and with the way hardcore scenes are often shot, it's not surprising that the scenes where you don't see anything graphic are pretty short. They're well-cut though; you'd think this were real softcore, should you see it without any background knowledge. Anyway, so let's pick a scene at random...
Appearance: Pirates (2005)
Characters: Jules & Marco
Jesse Jane is billed first, despite not technically being the main character of the film. But she gets a lot of screen time, and engages in the most sex, so that's almost definitely why. She's in a couple of lesbian sex scenes, one of which is actually quite violent - neither of which work for me, alas - but then she's also in a couple of straight ones - a very brief one at the beginning, which is the first time we see her - having sex, giving you an idea of what sort of a person her character is. And then we also see this one later on.
As the plot is complicated for once, I'll give you a brief overview: Jules, who is the first mate on the pirate-hunting boat (captained by Evan Stone as Edward Reynolds, who can't act but looks like he's having a whale of a time trying - he won an AVN award for best actor for Pirates), is on an island on reconnaissance for some potassium nitrate. Really. In a tavern she meets up with Marco, who is an ex-boyfriend. Jules and Marco spar for a bit and appear to not be getting on, until we snap to a scene of them having wild sex. Hmmm, they made up well, then.
As I've stated before, the scenes aren't particularly long, because they are cut down from the original hardcore scenes. But, as I've also stated before, they are cut well, and this is an example of how to do that. The scene starts with - and this is ingenious - a few seconds of confused-looking pirates in the main room of the tavern, hearing the unmistakable cries of sex, with a bit of piratical music very faint. Immediate cut to Jules and Marco having very fast sex, with the music now louder (something I don't think many directors would have thought of) as well as, of course, the soundtrack of moans.
The scene's cut so that you can't see anything explicit, so the variety of positions assumed by Jules and Marco is flicked through quite quickly. But it's seamless, and the sound is dealt with very well too - the music's been overlaid in such a way that it doesn't just jump from one part to another - it's one complete piece of music - and the same can be said for the vocal effects.
Plus, the sex looks great, too. Steven St. Croix (another porn actor with the word "St." in his name, tch!), playing Marco, is probably giving it a bit too much, with his face going red and looking like he's in a lot of pain, but Jesse Jane, as Jules, is really playing up to it a lot, with a lot of fluid movement from her body, expressions on her face with copious usage of eyes and teeth (uhm, if you get what I mean by that...), hair going everywhere, and the fact that she is still wearing some of her bodice - another allusion to the spontaneous nature of sex.
It is over quite quickly - too quickly, in this case - and we end up with another argument between Jules and Marco and then back to the plot. But it's actually a very nice sex scene, and for us softcore lovers, it's a bit of a blessing that they managed to get a version of this film out with enough 'soft' sex in it to still be enjoyed, and even - dare I say it - liked?
Nice try, in any case. Arrr.
Why, hello there. I am here to tell you a rather amusing little tale.
[Sips his tea and smiles genially.]
By way of entertainment the evening of yesterday, I went to a marvellous party. It was rather corking, don't you know? A ripping wheeze wherein we all came in costume - I was an Arabian prince, and it was all jolly spiffing, and rather topical in my case! Most extraordinary!
[Adjusts his monocle.]
And, do you know, I met the most delightful of people there, my dear ladies and gentlemen. Oh yes, I did. A veritable collection of characters - honestly, outside of the Riviera you've never met such a bunch - it's enough to make the most learned of anthropologists blanch!
[Laughs politely; sips his tea; reclines a little into the comfy chair; continues.]
This included a young lady named Cookie - yes, delightfully unusual name, I know! Makes you wonder if she'd come from a travelling fair... anyway, she was dressed as Isis, some sort of Egyptain goddess... and do you know, meeting this Cookie reminded me of something I'd seen one day, some months ago...
[Lights his pipe, takes a few puffs, wheezes a little and smiles.]
It was something like this...
Appearance: The Exotic Time Machine (1998)
Characters: Cookie & Leon
I've already reviewed a scene from The Exotic Time Machine II. This is from the first in that sequence and, being made by Surrender Cinema, some of the regular cast members are on rotation again here, including Gabriella Hall, Nikki Fritz and Taylor St. Clair. Although, to its credit, it's also got actors you don't see that often in Surrender productions. I haven't recognised Joseph Daniels anywhere else, and Tiffany Gonzáles (who appears as a French aid named Mimi... really original casting there) only really appears in this... and, apparently, Love Games, but I haven't seen that in ages.
Anyway, yes, this scene stars Taylor St. Clair. Not to be confused with Sara St. James, Chris St. James or any of the multitude of erotic actresses who appear to have the word "St." in their name. The set-up is ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as it could be. You know, apart from the whole time-travel element. So some stuff happens involving France, and some stuff involving Arabia, and there's Aladdin, and Marie-Antoinette (which Daniels pronounces, "Maree-Annwanet" - kill me)... and eventually the main characters end up in Al Capone's Chicago.
I don't think Al Capone actually appears in this movie. He's not in the cast list on IMDb and I don't remember him being in it, unless I'm grossly mistaken. Anyway...
Cookie is one of Al Capone (boo!)'s girls and, for some reason, she has sex with Leon (our hero!). I can't actually 
remember what the reason for this is - I don't own a full copy of the movie, sadly; I did buy it off Amazon on VHS once, but it turned out to be a heavily cut-down version, so I sold it on eBay to some bloke named George. Maybe there isn't really a reason. Maybe they just wanted to have sex. Maybe she was tired of sex with Capone and wanted to have sex with someone else. Leon's already had sex with Mimi, Marie-Antoinette and, I believe, the female protagonist (whose name escapes me currently... she's played by Gabriella Hall, though), but he's in a softcore movie, so clearly he has the stamina of a rutting rhinoceros, so he effortlessly makes love to Cookie on top of a bar.
If you look closely, you can see Del Boy falling over in the background.
Right. Anyway. Why do I like this scene? Well, there are some neat little touches. The sex isn't that spectacular and the scene could be shot better (in fact, it could be really hot if it were shot a little better - the same problem occurs in all the sex scenes in this movie - there's too much camera movement), but they've put a little thought into this one. There's lots of foreplay, with tongue use. Cookie is wearing stockings with pretty bows on (a nice visual touch). She doesn't take off her neckless of black beads, so that is in evidence all the way though the scene. Again, a nice touch. It also provides St. Clair something to play with. And the expressions on her face (grins, smiles, nice looks in her eyes) all work well. Can't say the same for Daniels, but never mind, can't have everything. So visually, this works.
They also have sex two ways: missionary, followed by doggie. And both are played out quite well, with enthusiasm by the actors. There aren't any vocal aspects here but the music is suitably "ooh, sex in Chicago" music. Okay, so jazz or blues would have worked much better here - they really missed a trick there - but there's some evidence of blues inspiration in the track. It could be a hell of a lot worse, in any case. But what it boils down to, in the end, os your basic pointless sex scene. There's no plot relevance (the sex with Mimi has actual effect on the plotline, this is just tacked on) and although it's a nice enough scene, there's no character development either - Leon is well-established enough, Cookie isn't seen again and this is the third act, so it's clear they are just filling up time.
But it's the neat little touches that do it for me. Makes me think that someone put some thought into this one, and for that amount of effort, it really does deserve at least one viewing.
Plus... her name is Cookie. And that's pretty cool.
I knew I'd get around to doing this one eventually. This is probably the first sex scene I ever downloaded - in reality, that's probably true for lots of people, but as those other people moved on to hardcore, this remained my favourite for a very long time.
Appearance: Emmanuelle In Space 2: A World of Desire (1994)
Characters: Emmanuelle & Haffron
The Emmanuelle in Space series has always been remarkable. Allegedly originally a series, this was made into seven - seven! - full-length films. If the 'being a series' bit is true, then it holds up on account of the fact that there are two (or more) sex scenes per half-hour. It's also filmed in 3D - or so it claims, but the 3D scenes don't really hold up much - bits of the furniture are 3D, but that's about it. And the 3D scenes are filmed in a merry-go-round style, which makes me feel slightly nauseous anyway.
Oh, also, besides the name, it holds no resemblance at all to the original films with Sylvia Kristel. Emmanuelle is now American, rather than French. And there are aliens.
It's cheap, but nobody seems to care. Aliens come to Earth, disguise themselves as humans and explore the boundaries of human sexuality - well, you would, right? And their captain, Haffron (Paul Michael Robinson), finds himself in a bind, from which he's helped by Emmanuelle, played by the mind-meltingly hot Krista Allen. She teaches him how to have sex... and that's it. That's the plot. For seven movies. Occasionally we get Emmanuelle, Haffron, or one of his crew (who all have human names - Theo, Raymond, Tina, Cara, etc. - what happened to alien names? Did they just think of "Haffron" and leave it there?!) having sex with somebody else - in fact, Haffron having sex with random people is a very important part of the plot - but the majority of the sex scenes are straight Emmanuelle/Haffron - and why not? They are the central characters, after all.
So.
This scene happens during the first third of the second movie, A World of Desire. Theo - the goofiest-looking alien of the bunch (Timothy Di Pri) - has been taken to Earth by Emmanuelle, who is meeting up with one of her former lovers, Dirk Langstron (Steve Michaels), who is far too old to be having sex with her, but does a pretty good job of playing the experienced mature man. While Theo's off seducing a farm girl, Dirk approaches Emmanuelle, and then starts to touch her. We cut away to some aliens doing random shit on the spaceship, then cut back to Theo, and then back to Emmanuelle, who's having sex up against the bedpost with Haffron.
There's a point to this, honestly.
There are many reasons I like this. A lot of the fans of this series seem to agree with me. The position looks realistic, Emmanuelle is wearing nothing but a bedrobe (but she's not naked; a nice touch there, actually), the sex is slow and steady (so not unrealistic) and the music, a low thrum with a drum beat, is cool and not distracting. The thrusting movements, the look of Emmanuelle's face, and the fact that Allen curls her fingers around the bedpost - in fact, even the fact that she's holding on at all - gives the impression that this is very intense, very passionate sex. Given the fact that this guy learned how to have sex a day or so ago, he seems to be getting pretty good at it already. Fast learners, these aliens.
But the best thing about this scene, which nobody else seems to mention, is the vocals. With every thrust, Allen lets out a little moan. Only a small one. But it's very, very sexy. Whether she was dubbed on afterwards (and I think she probably was) or not, each moan - different in length and sound - is in time with the position, the thrust, and the music! It's masterful! And she's moaning - that means she's enjoying it! Right?!
With a final moan and a little laugh, she orgasms (or maybe he does, who cares, it's soft porn) and it's all over, after which she says the lines that spoil the whole thing.
"Haffron!"
"The reason for my presence is as follows..."
"You transmuted yourself into Dirk Langstron and came into my room to make love to me?"
Whoah, whoah, whoah. You thought he was Dirk? You'd actually have sex with Dirk? And... is that a form of rape? Call the police, Emmanuelle!
"How romantic."
Oh, so it's all right, then. Happy Valentine's, guys. Let the disrobing in exotic locations recommence.
Sorry, Krista. I know you're trying to leave these films behind, but if I could recommend any softcore sex scene to anyonw, this would be it. It's one of the best. It's filmed well, it's acted well, it conveys the message of sex incredibly well, and it's actually quite a pivotal scene in the series. It's one of the iconic scenes of one of the most successful series of soft porn films in the '90s, and almost an icon for the genre entirely. Seek it out, if you can(along with the rest of the 7 films, if you can stand the accents) - it's genuinely very hot.
Okay, to start off with, aesthetically neither character is much to look at. Shannon Tweed has an OK body, but it's not really made much of in this scene. Nick has a ridiculous beard though - even worse than mine. I mean, really. Shave, Stevens! In fact, even though I'm aware of how unattractive my beard may be, his knocks him down the Glist several thousand places. It's really off-putting, and it makes me wonder if Moira would even go near him without that psychic link. Gah!
