Soft Porn Sunday Special: Threesome

So. It's Easter - happy Easter. I thought I'd do something special for Easter, but it was difficult thinking of something non-Jesus, non-chocolate and non-rabbit related. If you want to read about my religious views, go here. But this is far more interesting.

I'll tell you what I did earlier this week. It's not really related to Easter.

Back when I was a young ILB, I used to watch L!VE TV. I think everyone did, specifially since it came as a free channel with cable packages. And my gran had cable. There came along, in the channel's twilight years, a couple of low-budget sexual programmes of their own making (although they probably should have just stuck with Compromising Situations). Blonde, Busty and Keane (groan) was one, although no actual sex happened in that, just a little nudity. The other, Threesome, was far more interesting. I actually used to watch it, and then when L!VE returned (albeit briefly) in 2003, on occasions where I had access to it, they'd show it again and I'd watch it again.

My recollection of this show is somewhat sketchy. Hilariously, its IMDb page doesn't actually list its three main stars - Emily Booth, Anneka Svenska and Taylor Dean - as particularly important, hiding them under "extra cast". I know Emily "Bouff" Booth - who lives near me, apparently - is trying to leave this show behind, but I doubt that's the reason.

As far as I can recall, Threesome was something of a cross between soap, sitcom and drama. Helen (Svenska), who is a sexy writer, lives with Eve (Bouff), who is a sexy actress and model. David (Dean), Helen's sexy boyfriend, moves into the same apartment, and lots of sex occurs. Or not, because the stars rarely get their kit off in the first few episodes (except the first ever scene, which has Helen riding David). How do they circumvent this problem? Simple. Have Helen write erotic fiction and film some sex scenes in soft focus with Svenska narrating what the characters are doing.

Yes, this is very cheap. Very cheap indeed.

With the exception of the episode Solo, which has Helen and Dean going on holiday and consisted mostly of Bouff rubbing herself and moaning a bit, and the episode where David (who, apparently, is a photographer) had a model over to take pictures off and ended up screwing her, very little sex occurred between the leads until the second half of the series, in which essentially a triangle happens (gosh! didn't see that one coming!) with Eve wanting both David and Helen, Helen wanting David, and David wanting Eve. Or something like that. It doesn't really matter because still no real sex occurs.

Or it does, but it's very brief.

I did manage to catch the last epiosde at one point, in which they manage to reconcile all their differences by having a threesome. In soft focus. But there are some tantalisingly quick sex scenes in between beginning and end, which tend to focus on Helen/Eve, but some David/Eve and a few Helen/Davids. So I went a-searching, and found... nothing.

It took me ages to even find anything related to Threesome. It seens to have been edited out of history and there's no DVD available (or even VHS). Via some very inactive forums (and a lot of patience and constant searching on Rapidshare), I downloaded about as close as you're going to get to a collection of the sex scenes from Threesome. Very few actually depict sex, and most merely imply it - and the dialogue is absolutely terrible - and they all lack the longevity, plot, music, cinematics or even eroticism to get close to getting me off whatsoever. That's why the scenes aren't really suitable for SPS - there isn't much to write about 'em!

But maybe, because of its relative obscurity, and the fact that nobody would watch this for good quality acting or good quality sex, Threesome acts as an interesting curio. It's in no way special, but I kept watching it, maybe for the implicit idea that eventually we'd have a full-on sex scene featuring both the actual actors and a good length. Evidently this didn't happen, and I wasn't happy with that. But, as an example of what not to do, Threesome stands on its own two feet, because in many ways it was actually putting in a very good attempt at being an erotic soap opera (it's better than Eden at any rate). And, you know, it's got Bouff in it and I've always been curious about her ever since I saw her in Bits.

I may share these scenes at some point. I doubt many other people have them at all. But if anyone's got all the episodes on VHS, I'd buy it. I actually would. Just to see if it works any better than memory serves.