Got a Feeling?

I spent most of last night with H. We walked around an exhibition and then Euston Station for a while. Following that I went home, called TD and went to bed, extremely tired.

And I couldn't sleep.

This is not unusual for me; I've had insomnia since I was about 6 and have been learning to cope without sleep for quite a while. I've often had nights with about three or four hours' sleep and there are a couple of nightds I've had without any sleep whatsoever. Last night I got about one, I think. I had a lie-in this morning before stumbling to college.

I realised last night, while trying to get to sleep, that there was something keeping me up.

I was turned on. I was really up for it, despite being all sleepy and hardly moving. I couldn't even breathe properly and yet still I just wanted to do it. I felt myself hardening up, and growing and growing more and more. It was probably as hard as it was going to be able to get and yet I couldn't do anything to get rid of it. I sure as hell lacked the energy to deal with it myself, and no amount of turning around or curling up into a little ball was going to get rid of it. So I just lay there, willing myself to actually go to sleep or just switch off the horny feeling.

Of course, what I really wanted was a warm, willing, soft and wet girl to slip it into. But I didn't have any of those.

Fortunately, I have one elsewhere, and I'm going to go and see her tonight. And since I never actually did do anything about how I felt last night, this evening should be... interesting, to say the least.

I shouldn't be thinking this way at the start of term...

Opposite my college is a railway station. Well, okay, that's a bit of a fib; my college is split into a few different campuses (campii?), but opposite the one I'm in at the moment is a railway station. It's how I get to college, in fact. Every morning I walk past it, and I look at it. And it's got memories for me. It has massive national and even international links, and it's where I went to start one of the best summer holidays of my life, about two years back or so. I remember it well, and recently I've only used it as a depositing point for college at the start of the day.

I just want to be free. It's a clear, crisp Autumn day today, and as I walked past the station's main entrance (I come out of a side entrance, because I'm radical and boisterous) I was seized with a longing to explore. A whole plan unfolded itself in my mind - I'd go to Oxford and I'd grab TD, and together we'd travel back to this station - or any of the major ones in London would do, I'm not too fussy - and we'd board a train. We'd just go somewhere. Russia. Denmark. Liechtenstein. Japan. Iceland. Budapest. Sweden. Just anywhere! Anywhere!

It's the sense of adventure that I crave. I just want to feel liberated. I want to get on a train, and go. With my girlfriend as travelling buddy. I want to see things that I've never seen before, I want to have breakfast in Brussels next to the big zebra drinking tea (it's a great statue) once again, I want to travel as far away from this stuffy, overcrowded, complicated computer room in this stuffy, overcrowded, complicated university as possible. I want to hold hands under the Northern Lights, make love in exotic places under the moon and stars, and kiss on a ship as it cruises down the tropical rivers.

Maybe even go to Center Parcs again.

But I can't. I just can't. I don't have any money, I don't have any time. But at least I have the inclination. And one day, maybe just one day, I'll not turn away and keep walking to college, but I'll step up into the big entrance, walk out onto the main concourse, buy a ticket... and go.