I have been a bit miserable recently, and I apologise. I do tend to work best in interpersonal relationships if I'm getting good feedback from other people. I've got lots of comments on my empathy and sensitivity, and nearly every job I've tried to do has involved pastoral care of some kind. But occasionally, even if I am working well with people, I can't help being miserable. It just happens. This month I've ranged from helping my sister to have a dalliance with a married man, to planning a zombie RPG with Nimue, to going on a late-night emergency mission to aid a cousin's friend, to sitting on my bed listening to Beautiful at full volume while in floods of tears because I was emotionally confused about which pair of shoes to wear. But that was this morning. And that's how I roll.
You can probably understand, then, that with the amount of stuff I've done this month - that list barely scratches the surface; read back through this month's NaBloPoMo to see what else has gone on in my weird life - the emotions are scattered all over the place. To name the sexy Catharine, the lovely Anna and the faithful Lady P as but a few, online people have been my salvation, of a sort. Every one of you who has talked to me, Tweeted me, MSN'd me or even read a single word of what I've written this month has been helping in some way. And I know this blog is read. I often get over 100 views a day, some of which are not me. So thank you for that.
I know I've made some decisions which have been a bit unusual this month and some people have felt a bit hurt by that. Most of them won't be reading this. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry. But I don't do anything malevolently. I haven't got it in me to do so. Everything I do seems like the right idea at the time, and if done with the best of intentions, that's all you can hope for. Blessed as I am with the ability to love unconditionally and magic hugs like the kid from The Santa Clause 3, I still don't have the ability to see into the future and therefore predict the effects of anything I do or say, so you can't blame me for taking a course of action that I thought was the right thing to do. Thankfully, the repercussions of anything aren't too far-reaching.
I'm not as further along this month as I'd have hoped. But then again, I never am. I constantly take steps forward in one direction, only to be knocked back in another direction. But to be honest, that's how I roll too. And, although I am very emotionally sensitive, I'm tougher than you think. I'll get through everything. I'll be okay. After all, I got through this month intact, and I'm sure that you can too. Because, after all, I may not have much, but just sometimes, you gotta have faith.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Labatt Ice
I could do with a cuddle. I know that's not particularly unique. I think everyone needs a little warmth and affection in their lives (with the possible exception of George Osborne, whose eyes have a really dead look in them - I saw him sitting there on Prime Minister's Questions today and it was scary)... but at the moment cuddles are utmost on my mind. Well, cuddles and the closing riff to I'm Proud of the BBC. It's just there. I don't know why.
Insofar as my mood goes, it's up and down like John Yossarian's penis. The pattern tends to be that if my dad wakes me up by opening my door, shouting at me to get up and then slamming the door, it's going to be a bad day. On the other hand, yesterday I got up early to give my mother a birthday present, stayed up and gradually woke myself by the grace of coffee and muesli, and that was a good day.
47 came over yesterday to rehearse, because I'm in his band. I didn't know this until a couple of days ago. Then again, he's in my band and I'm keen on repaying the favour. I'm less keen on the stuff I've been asked to play, mostly because I can't play it. So, en route to Germany (which is pretty hardcore), he stopped at my house and we set up the studio to play through his new album. By which I mean I got really frustrated at my inability to play any chords more complicated than Fmaj7. I did OK with the bass guitar though. Anyway, that's not really the point.
The point is that I have blistered fingers, aching arms, stiff limbs and I did something to my right little finger during rehearsal - I'm not even sure what it is, but it made me swear loudly and it still hurts. Ouch.
I eventually got to bed at about midnight, which is my usual bedtime. That didn't mean I was asleep, of course - I tried, but it didn't work. My last memory of last night is pretending that Oxford was someone sexy and that I was spooning them, superimposed by my dad coming into my room, not even managing the five letters in the phrase "get up", and then leaving. I think I might sleep in the studio tonight, that'll give him a shock tomorrow morning.
Anyway, so today I feel heavy and sluggish. I'm aching a bit, worried a lot, and frustrated, which is my default setting anyway. I probably wouldn't even want to have sex at the moment (although give me half an hour and I'm sure I'd manage it), even though I'm thinking about it (and oh, the things I am thinking). I just want to be cuddled, and to cuddle in return. I mean, it's summer now. What's the point of summer if there aren't any cuddles? I mean, really.
I guess I'll just save up my cuddles for now. I won't be getting any for a while, sadly, and if I start investing now, the next person I cuddle may just have some form of divine experience. Hey, it's worth a try.
Insofar as my mood goes, it's up and down like John Yossarian's penis. The pattern tends to be that if my dad wakes me up by opening my door, shouting at me to get up and then slamming the door, it's going to be a bad day. On the other hand, yesterday I got up early to give my mother a birthday present, stayed up and gradually woke myself by the grace of coffee and muesli, and that was a good day.
47 came over yesterday to rehearse, because I'm in his band. I didn't know this until a couple of days ago. Then again, he's in my band and I'm keen on repaying the favour. I'm less keen on the stuff I've been asked to play, mostly because I can't play it. So, en route to Germany (which is pretty hardcore), he stopped at my house and we set up the studio to play through his new album. By which I mean I got really frustrated at my inability to play any chords more complicated than Fmaj7. I did OK with the bass guitar though. Anyway, that's not really the point.
The point is that I have blistered fingers, aching arms, stiff limbs and I did something to my right little finger during rehearsal - I'm not even sure what it is, but it made me swear loudly and it still hurts. Ouch.
I eventually got to bed at about midnight, which is my usual bedtime. That didn't mean I was asleep, of course - I tried, but it didn't work. My last memory of last night is pretending that Oxford was someone sexy and that I was spooning them, superimposed by my dad coming into my room, not even managing the five letters in the phrase "get up", and then leaving. I think I might sleep in the studio tonight, that'll give him a shock tomorrow morning.
Anyway, so today I feel heavy and sluggish. I'm aching a bit, worried a lot, and frustrated, which is my default setting anyway. I probably wouldn't even want to have sex at the moment (although give me half an hour and I'm sure I'd manage it), even though I'm thinking about it (and oh, the things I am thinking). I just want to be cuddled, and to cuddle in return. I mean, it's summer now. What's the point of summer if there aren't any cuddles? I mean, really.
I guess I'll just save up my cuddles for now. I won't be getting any for a while, sadly, and if I start investing now, the next person I cuddle may just have some form of divine experience. Hey, it's worth a try.
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